Newsletter Privacy Policy

How we (don't) use your email to send newsletters about products that don't exist

1. What We Collect (And Immediately Forget)

When you subscribe to our newsletter, we collect:

• Your Email Address - Which goes directly into the digital void
• Subscription Date - So we can pretend to remember when you made this questionable decision
• Consent Record - Legal proof that you actually checked that box (we're as surprised as you are)
• Your IP Address - Which tells us absolutely nothing useful

2. How We (Don't) Use Your Email

Your email will be used exclusively for sending you updates about:

• Products that are always out of stock (spoiler: they never existed)
• "Exclusive deals" on RAM modules from alternate dimensions
• Stock updates for items we will never, ever have
• Technology tips written by people who may or may not understand RAM
• Company news about a company that doesn't exist
• Occasional surveys asking your opinion on our non-existent service

⚠️ IMPORTANT: We will NEVER sell your email to third parties, mostly because no one would buy a list from a fake RAM store.

3. Email Frequency (Whenever We Feel Like It)

You can expect to receive emails approximately:

• 2-4 times per month (if we remember)
• Once per quarter (when we feel guilty about not sending anything)
• Never (most likely scenario)
• In your spam folder (where all fake RAM store emails belong)

4. Your Rights (The Ones That Actually Matter)

Unlike everything else on this site, these are actually real:

• Unsubscribe Anytime - Click the link at the bottom of any email, or just mark us as spam (we won't be offended)
• Delete Your Data - We can remove your email from our (hypothetical) database
• Access Your Data - Request a copy of what we have (it's just your email, nothing exciting)
• Update Preferences - Choose which types of fake emails you want to receive
• Complain - Feel free to report us to authorities who will probably laugh

5. Data Protection (The Fake Kind)

We protect your email with cutting-edge security measures:

• HTTPS encryption (this part is actually real)
• Secure email providers (if we ever actually send emails)
• GDPR compliance (because we're European at heart, but not really)
• CCPA compliance (California dreaming about data protection)
• CAN-SPAM compliance (we promise not to spam you... much)
• Regular backups (of nothing)
• State-of-the-art firewalls (protecting our non-existent database)

6. Third-Party Services (That Don't Exist)

We might use trusted third-party services to manage our newsletter:

• Email service providers like Mailgun, SendGrid, or a pigeon with a USB drive
• Analytics tools to measure open rates (spoiler: 0%)
• Marketing automation platforms (that automate doing nothing)

All third parties are bound by strict privacy agreements and definitely won't use your data for their own purposes. Probably.

7. Cookies & Tracking (The Digital Kind)

We use cookies to:

• Remember that you closed our newsletter popup (for 24 hours)
• Track absolutely nothing else useful
• Make our website feel more professional
• Comply with annoying EU regulations

8. Children's Privacy (LOL)

Our newsletter is not intended for anyone under 13. If you're a kid, go do your homework. You don't need RAM right now.

9. International Data Transfers (To Nowhere)

Your email may be transferred to servers in various countries, all of which don't exist. We comply with international data protection frameworks that we definitely understand.

10. Contact Our Fake Privacy Team

Questions about how we handle your email?

• Email: privacy@www.get-cheap-ram.store (may or may not work)
• Contact Form: Visit here (equally unreliable)
• Phone: We don't have one (and you don't need one)
• Carrier Pigeon: Not accepting applications

11. Policy Updates (Whenever We Feel Like It)

We may update this policy occasionally when we remember it exists. Major changes will be announced via:

• Email (if we ever send any)
• Telepathy (try it, it might work)
• Smoke signals (environmentally questionable)
• A notice on our homepage that nobody reads

Last updated: January 15, 2026
Last read by a human: Probably never

By subscribing, you acknowledge that this is a completely fictional e-commerce site and that our newsletter will contain updates about products that don't exist. You also agree to our general privacy policy and terms of service, which are equally ridiculous.